P I S S Y

Yep .... that would be me last night and yet today ......

I wanted to go out with the girls tonight .... I called my normal High School babysitter ... she's got a football game that she has to take pictures at for yearbook ... thats fine ... not a problem ... I can deal with that ... I call another friend, she' s also busy ... so being a good Mom ... I try the boys FATHER to watch them ... afterall, he doesn't see them much why not ask him, right?? Well, he says "how long do I have to watch them" to which my response was "all night and I'll get them from you saturday morning" He says "I think I'm going hunting on Saturday, so no" UMMMM YA THINK? My thought is he better not EVER complain about not seeing Luke ... cause as far as I'm concerned ... he's had his chance. Take me to court ... I'm done.

Changes ....

Oh the changes lately ....... The biggest change is Dennis is gone ... he's been out of my life for close to 2 weeks now and I feel really good about it. I have my moments, but who wouldn't after trying to hold onto something for 17 years.

I have found that I'm sleeping better at night, I'm getting up before the alarm rings and out of the house in record times lately.

I've been going to the track at night too .... I've walked about a mile a day for the last 3 days ... not including the extra little walks I have been taking at work for a little me time away from the techs.

I haven't been hungry either ... I have my ice tea and a breakfast sandwich in the morning, some more tea at lunch time with a little something and I'm good till I get home.

Things at home have been better too ... I'm finding a little more patience than I had before ... how? I'm not sure ... maybe its talking to my fireman friend ...

Speaking of my fireman friend ... today Austin smashed his finger in the door, called me screaming that his finger was bleeding really bad ... I tell him what to do and call my friend and ask him to give Austin a quick call ... he did, told Austin almost exactly the same thing I said and Austin calmed down considerably. Austin said later that he was happy that my fireman friend called to talk to him. He was totally impressed that a guy that I talk to would have some interest in him and his well being ....

My fireman friend and I have had some talks ... boy do I miss him ... I wish we could go back in time, knowing what we know now and do it right ... stay together ... I could wish on that forever ... it won't change the fact that we didn't ... that we were too stubborn to see that we had what it takes to make a great couple, a great partnership. We have a strong friendship going, I don't want to blow that ... he's a great guy ... I'm lucky to have him in my life. I really am. He makes me want to be a better me .... I love him for that! I really do!

Patience .... just a little patience .... everything will work out the way its intended .... thats what I'm told anyway ....

Note to D

Its not that I didn't love you
this wasn't in my plans
I wanted to be with you
I know you don't understand

Seventeen years is a long long time
of trying to be complaisant
we had our good and bad times to
I got tired of being patient

I'm moving on now
aligning my stars
I know one day I'll find
a love so true so unlike you
he'll completely blow my mind

Good luck to you D
You meant so much to me
I wish you only the best
Be happy with her as you once were
and smile at our memories

Friday Update

Well, at least he's not a total d!ck to Austin .... Austin decided he wanted to go with his Dad last night and without even getting a call from anyone to tell him to go get Austin, he swung by the house and asked Austin if he wanted to go with him. Austin was thrilled, he thought that his step-mom had gotten in touch with his Dad to get him. I'm glad he's not pushing Austin aside and hope that maybe one day we'll be able to stand talking to each other again.

I want to move on, I need to move on.

I wanted to take off this weekend and just go .... go and see an old friend who lives just a couple of hours away from me .... that isn't going to pan out ... we've got to much going on to do that. Pampered Chef party on Sunday that I'm so not prepared for. Cleaning to do on Saturday for the party on Sunday. Shopping to do for the party on Sunday. Austin apparently has a birthday party to go to on Sunday also. I told him to make sure his step-mom brings him home afterwards cause I'm not hanging out for it. (yes, used to be, anywhere they would be, I'd be just to try to catch a wink or acknowledgement that I was there)

My friend Anna went back to her ex-husband again. They have been on again off again forever. She hooked back up with an old high school love and then got burnt pretty badly. After only a couple months together, he told her he was done with her. Sad, but true. Got what he needed, got on his feet and kicked her to the curb. She'll be ok and back to her bossy self in no time ... I'm not liking that idea much since she lives so much closer to me now ... I want my life .... I want my decisions to be mine ... I don't want to be told again how to make my decisions and what I will and will not do. Friends give advice, friends take advice given, friends do not belittle you over a poor decision.

Life is all about making mistakes and learning from them. I may not have gotten everything I wanted out of my relationship with Dennis. I didn't get the attention I wanted, needed and desired. I didn't get the committment that I wanted to not only give but recieve ... There were many things that I didn't get ... but there are two very important things in my life that I did get from that relationship. I got my boys. They are the best thing in the world to me. I wouldn't trade them for anything!

Love and be loved .... its the little things that make it all worth while ...

I'm having a hard time .....

I'm having a hard time dealing with all of this ... I don't want to be weak ... I want to be strong, I want to make the right decisions but this being strong stuff is really hard ... Its really hard to do.

Its been a week of absolutely NO contact ... Last night was the first night that I actually got a decent nights sleep. I didn't wake up every 20 minutes looking at the clock ... I slept ... I crashed ...

The boys birthdays are coming up ... well, Aaron's just passed, it was the 16th of Sept. Austin's is coming up on the 14th of October. Normally we do a joint birthday party for both boys. They haven't said anything about a party, so I can only assume they'll do something for Austin on their own.

I don't know what I'll do for Austin yet. I'll have to think on that one ... he'll be 12 this year ... I don't know ...

I just don't know what to do .... Is this normal? If I'm such a good person, why am I alone? Why won't the stars align just for me? When will I hold the right cards in this game called Life?

And No, I haven't picked up the phone and even started to dial his number. And he wont' call me. Ah well ... guess thats why its called a break up ...

On a happier note ... My fireman friend are still talking ... he's a good man, with a good head on his shoulders ... and smart! How he can make me smile is beyond me. I wish we had tried harder to find each other and stick it out 20 years ago. Can't change the past though ... can only live for the future ... and you never know what the future holds ... I'm really glad to have my friend back.

Put your mind into other things .....

So Sunday rolled around ... I went to the bowling alley and ran my youth/adult league like a good girl .... took our portable dvd player with us and Luke was in HEAVEN! He sat and watched Baby Signing Times and the Wiggles while I bowled. I was soooo happy with him!

We left the bowling alley and ran to the car in the rain ... BOTH of us were soaked! He said "Momma, I all wet, Momma wet toooo" so we went home, changed into dry clothes, left again to get Austin from his camping trip ... they got back just before the rain hit.

We got back home again and started CLEANING! My room is two piles of stuff away from being clean! I'm so excited! I rearranged it and everything. I'll have to take a pic to show you ... yes, there's boxes in the corners, but for the most part, its clean :D While I was cleaning, I came across some pictures of Dennis and his oldest son Aaron. I put them in an envelope with a little note to him saying that I thought he'd like to have them. I really couldn't see myself throwing them away. Any pictures of him with Austin or Luke (the few that I have) are still at the house.

One day at a time .... with no worries .... everything will work out for the best ....

I'm still talking to my Fireman ... he makes me smile and really knows how to brighten my day ... I'm glad I've got my friend back. I feel truely blessed.

Saw them today .....

Weekends are going to be hard ... at least Saturday's will be. Aaron (Austin's brother) and Austin both bowl on the same team on Saturday's and Lucas and Dakota (Dennis's grandson) bowl on the same team.

Today, I tried to avoid the bowling alley since Austin is out of town camping. Since I'm the Youth Rep and in charge of the league, they called me wanting to know where I was. I told them that I overslept and went ahead and went in.

Dennis and Corinne were there. Today is Aaron's birthday and also the wedding day of their nephew Scott Lee. Anyway, Luke and I walk in, Dennis won't even look in our direction. You know what, thats fine. He doesn't need to look my way anymore. I don't need attention on the sly anymore. I just focused on helping Luke with his game and talking to the other kids there. All in all, it wasn't to bad. He did take a few minutes and took Luke to play some games after Luke was done bowling.

All is well .... I know you were wondering about me ... I'm good. :)

Step 1 to my promise to Me ....

Decisions ....

We all have decisions to make ... we all have our crosses to bare ... today I made a decision that I never in the world thought I'd make. But after careful reflection and consideration I made the first decision that was good for me in a very long time.

I have to set an example for my kids .... I have to show them right from wrong. For far to long, I've shown them wrong. Today, I'm making it right. Today I ended things with Dennis.

If Stacey can make life changing decisions for her and Angel can make healthier changes for her ... I can get thru this too. I've got my friends ... I'm not telling my family, they'll figure it out, or Austin will tell them.

I know today was hard, very hard. Katie was right there on line with me and helped me thru most of it, I thank you very much for that Katie!!!! Today was definately difficult, but its only the beginning. I'm hoping and praying that I can stay strong and stick to my guns about this decision.

My promise .....

I promise I will be true to ME and to my kids ... I promise to not let my heart do all of the thinking and I promise to think first before jumping in.

I will not have another Dennis situation. I refuse to do that again and he knows me well enough to know that when I say I'm not going to do something, I'm not going to do it.

He saw me without makeup, without fixing my hair and he didn't turn around and run. That makes me feel good .... really good.

After 20 years of not speaking to someone over stupid shit, it feels .... well, it feels like I can relax a little. Like a weights been lifted and I can breathe again. I don't know if its right for me to say he gave me that or I gave me that, but either way, right now, I'm living in the moment and enjoying every second of it. And doing so at a safe distance.

Yes, this relationship may never be... it may never go any further than where we are today, friends, but, you know what ... I'm fine with that. I set out to accomplish one thing .... to appologize to him for being such an idiot, for being such an ass. We've stepped in the right direction of healing many old wounds.

He's my friend. I'm glad I found him again. I really am.

I didn't post all of this for you guys to worry about me. I do appreciate the fact that you do, I love you all, very much!! Thank you guys, for caring enough about me to worry! (((BIG HUGS)))

Feels good!!

I have no idea where things could eventually go. Right now its just a really good feeling to know that what you once felt for someone was how they felt/feel about you now. We've talked A LOT in the last couple of days. I have found out many things, I'm enjoying the friendship. I'm enjoying the adult conversation. It feels good to be me.

Here's a letter I got the other night, I think its the sweetest letter I've ever received in my life! ... he told me I could share w/my friends.


To my dearest Monica
The subject line of this e-mail is the understatement of the week.
Is fate so cruel to bring us together so we would only assume a test of our morality and constitution?
I would disagree?
I can only suggest that this re-acquaintance is a testimonial of love deeper than our senses can appreciate. A love so engraved with joy, happiness, and forth giving that has re-connected our souls to a new place in time.
I also venture to speculate that our physical and emotional attraction will endure the test of time, and negativity, which was shared by each of us; individually and as a collective.
So I would pose a promise to you that I will always consider your love to be intentional and uncompromised?for all eternity. I will not underestimate your will nor be complacent.
I pledge this faith as an oath to you. To take each day as a new experience and give you all that is me.
I love you so very much.
Jim

Life ....

We had lunch today. It was really nice .... he called just before I left and had me meet him somewhere closer and we'd drive to lunch together since I'm not real familiar with this area. Just call me Geographically challenged .... (insert other terms as needed and or required). Anyway, we kept lunch to the hour just as required by my job ... We met at QT and drove over to Penn Station. We had Philly Cheesesteak Subs & Lemonaid! YUM! They were so good! I was good, I didn't order fries for me. The hour was over before we knew it ... He said we'd have lunch again one day.

We didn't invite our mutal friend this time. We felt we needed to talk things out alone. With her there, we'd never get to touch on any subject that we felt needed resolved. We talked for a long time over the weekend ... a LONG time ... I think we worked thru more this weekend than the entire time we dated. Its amazing how 20 years later, though we look a little different (ok, a lot different in my case, his belly was the only thing different on him) but our attitude is so much better. We've both grown up. Its nice.

Parents mean well when they step foot into our relationships as young adults. Mom didn't want me married right out of high school, I think she was afraid I'd struggle like she did. Since Jimmy was in the Army and my real dad was in the Army. She went to see my real dad and they got married... I think she was deathly afraid that when I went to see Jimmy in WA that summer that I'd come home married to him or even worse not come home. The summer I went to see him was the summer we split up.

I called my Mom today to tell her that I've been talking to Jimmy, the only thing she could say or did say rather was "thats nice" I don't know how to take that. Right now, Jimmy and I are friends, does he love me? yes. Same as before? possibly Will I be the reason things don't work in his current situation, his marriage? ABSOLUTELY NOT. We're not going down that path.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't have a clue what the future has in store for me. What I do know is that I'm enjoying the moment, enjoying reliving the past (and luck has it, that when he doesn't remember something right or the way I want him to, I just put my spin on it.... ) shhhh dont' tell ... He wants to know me, he wants to learn about the last 20 years ... I gave him the link to here, theres lots of crap here that will fill him in on most of it.

Life is kinda funny
it takes a turn
at an unexpected place
and takes you back
to a familiar face

The boy who once held you
who once made you sigh
He was your first true love
in everyones eyes

Turned into a Man
not the typical kind
Did he know all these years
he's been on my mind

He looked for me high
He looked for me low
Little did he know
I was right under his nose

Same towns and same schools
We crossed paths many times
but not near enough
to fix our hearts and our minds

He gave up all hope
He threw in the towel
tried giving his heart
to another nice gal

We have this strong bond
No others could break
Can you tell me one thing
Is this really fate?

I can't be the one
I won't do it to you too
Remember, she's the one
You said 'I do' to.

I'll still always love you
nothing'll ever change that
Just work on whats right
and know that I care.

If you end up single
some where down the road
come look me up
I won't be a toad ;)

Until that time comes
we will remain friends
friends without perks
I'm not sinning again

Time

Put it into words
exactly how you feel
sometimes I don't know
if this is all for real

My mind sits and spins
of love found again
Love that was so right
is something out of sight

Talked on the phone
for hours on end
wishing the night
would never end

We felt so close
as if time stood still
What would he think
I hope he's not ill

His eyes looked the same
same wonderful smile
He still drives a truck
one gallon, two miles

I'm so glad I found him
on classmates.com
well worth the dime
to feel you've stopped time

He's Always Had My Heart

He's always had my heart
I should have known it from the start
After all these years
and the many many tears

He's happy now in his life with her
He's a successful bright ole man
He's smart and clever as I remember
He's my favorite fireman

We once had love
and happiness
We were, lets say, bestfriends

What ties the heart
doesn't come apart
the hurts can all be mended

I thought it was gone
but it still holds strong
a good friendship never ends

He's always had my heart
I should have known it from the start

Are you Happy? Really Happy .....

Define Happy....

Webster's Dictionary defination .....

hap·py (hp) Pronunciation Key adj. hap·pi·er, hap·pi·est
Characterized by good luck; fortunate.
Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy.
Being especially well-adapted; felicitous: a happy turn of phrase.
Cheerful; willing: happy to help.
Characterized by a spontaneous or obsessive inclination to use something. Often used in combination: trigger-happy.
Enthusiastic about or involved with to a disproportionate degree. Often used in combination: money-happy; clothes-happy.

My defination today is knowing that someone you truely care about is in a good place, knowing that they have someone to take care of them in everyway, knowing that they once truely loved you and that they forgive you for all of your short comings and dumb ass ideas and actions.

Today I am happy. Today I feel as if a weight has been lifted after all these years.

Now if I could just get the rest of my life in order .....

So, we talked ....

I got a few e-mails from my first love .... he's so happy.... and I'm happy for him. He's got 5 KIDS!! 5 .. No Lie! The oldest boy is his wife's from her first marriage, the next boy is his from a previous relationship. They have 3 together, 2 girls and a boy. He sent me a picture of his wife and kids ... they all look happy and healthy! We talked this morning on my way to work, I left late because of meetings ... he sounds good. We both have grown up quite a bit since we dated in high school. You think you don't change, but you really do. He turned 40 2 weeks ago, he rides his bike 12 miles a day or more when he's not at the firehouse. I can't even begin to tell you how good he sounded on the phone. He called ME at lunch time.

We just talked about how we hurt each other and different things that happened in our relationship. Things that made us stronger and things that stung. He told me that when I asked him a question, he always answered me truthfully, he said that he hoped I knew that. He told me that he thought when I went to Seattle to see him that I would stay there with him and not come back home. I still needed to finish high school, I couldn't do that, though the thought did cross my mind. He said that he wanted to marry me when I was there but was glad that we didn't cause we still had growing up to do.

He was kinda suprised that I wasn't married. He figured someone would have swept me up a long time ago. I told him that Monica isn't good at making good decisions for Monica, that she follows her heart instead of her head. I explained my life to him, I think he was suprised.

His wife knows that we are talking. I made it clear to him that I didn't want anything to happen that would get him into trouble ... been there, done that ... anyway, she knows that we are e-mailing each other, talking on the phone and even going to have lunch. Julie's a nice lady. I've met her before and she makes Jim happy. That is the most important thing, she makes him happy.

Almost forgot ... Hunt 4

photo album=5 pts
stationary=5 pts
highschool yearbook=10 pts
sewer lid=15 pts
wedding dress=15 pts
slab bridge=15 pts
port a potty=10 pts OR 20 pts if you're in it
something out of reach=10 pts
something old=10 pts
lint tray=5 pts
your toothbrush=5 pts
something from your childhood=10 pts

My first Love ......

First off, Thank you ladies for checking on me! I soooo appreciate it! I'm fine, kids are fine. We'll work thru it ....

I sent my first love an e-mail back in February and then in July thru classmates.com. Just to say hello and that I hoped he and his family were doing well. I got an e-mail back!! He said he's doing good, he just graduated with his BS in Fire Management or something like that ... He suggested that since he and I both work close together, that maybe we do lunch one day. We exchanged e-mail addresses and thats been it ....... NO, I'm NOT going to get in over my head. We are friends, simple as that, friends. When I e-mailed him back, I even suggested another friend go along.

I just thought it was sweet for him to e-mail me back .... its been awhile since we've seen each other. The last time we sat down together, we were both at a friends funeral. After the funeral, a bunch of us went out to dinner to catch up.

I love seeing old friends .....

Time to check out ....

I guess thats what you'd call it ... check out for awhile .... check into some looney bin ... I feel like I'm going nuts ... I snap so easily, no its not PMS, I found out after my last break down, you know, when I was going to quit my job that was all related to that apparently, cause (TMI) I started the next day. Now, I know its not PMS ... Its just plain and simply stated BITCH. I don't know if I'm coming or going, no one is happy with me. My kids constantly fight with each other and with me. I have tried asking my Mom for help, I tried to ask for a break weeks ago, I only wanted a weekend. No one wants to take me seriously.

This past weekend, Austin just pushed all the right buttons, really pushed further than he ever has. I warned him that if he didn't knock it off I was going to deck him. He comes back with "You always say that but you never do." WRONG ... I punched him in the arm. Not just once, 5 times. I was so pissed. I walked away crying. I told his Dad what happened, and he told ME that I needed to calm down, never mind that HIS son pushes and pushes.

I call my Mom because Austin's mouth just keeps going even after Saturday's incident. I tell her he's driving me insane with all the back talk ... she gets on the phone with him, I hang up, they talk, when they are done, he tells me that Grandma says that I'm just a "B, you know a female dog" and that they joked I'm just like her dog Kimmy. NNNNIIIIICCCCEEEEE... I called her back and told her "yeah, um, thanks so much for the support" She asks if I'm being sarcastic ... I said um yeah, thats it. She asked what was wrong, I tell her what he said was said. She said that wasn't what was said and is PISSED that he added words to their conversation. What she said was that I was a brick head like the dog ....

I know the pressure isn't all Austin. I just don't get why I snap so easily. Last night I told my mom that I wondered if I had a chemical imbalance or something again, trying to ask what the hell my problem is, she just told me "Well, the dr can do tests to see if something is off" So what do I do, call the doctor and tell him I think I'm fucking nuts?

Nevermind that my grandpa had a mental breakdown at one time, when I don't know, my mom won't talk medical history with me. Apparently it runs on her side of the family, one of her cousins suffers from depression, I only found that out in passing. I get soooo frusterated that she wont' talk to me. The only thing she says is that my father's mother was diabetic and fat and that I need to loose weight to have a better life. UM ... Ya think?

It really sucks to drive down the road and think ... if I were to swerve here or drive off here ... yeah, these thoughts go thru my head from time to time. But I don't do it ... I would hope that I'd never do that .... I don't know if I'm coming or going ... I'm rambling ...

You know when Dennis figured out I was serious about Austin acting up?????? When I told him my MOM was pissed ... the rest of the time he thinks I'm over reacting....

Yes, some of the stress could be from being a single mom of 2 boys and working full time. Not enough time in the day or enough money in my account. Whatever ... again, I'm rambling ...

I'm sure I earned plenty of enemies today when I posted that I punched Austin in the arm. I know I did. No one's said anything, but I'm sure they will. Its just a matter of time. Some will understand, some will offer advice, some will just be here for me with a big hug and some will judge ... just a matter of time.

Scavenger Hunt week 3

50 ft tree ... Had to really look for this.... 15 points



Movie Star ... 15 points



Book by fav Author ... 5 points



Golf Cart ... 10 points



Shopping Cart ... 5 points



Basketball Goal ... 5 points



Pay Phone ... 15 points ... should have taken a pic of my home phone ... pay for that dearly monthly!



Favorite Plant ... 5 points ... this was given to me at my baby shower for Luke.... its still alive...



YOUR Handwriting ... 10 points



Wrestling move ... 10 points ... Austin assures me this is a move ... ;)



Pond ... 5 points ...



Turkey ... 10 points



110 points total ...