I'm having a hard time .....

I'm having a hard time dealing with all of this ... I don't want to be weak ... I want to be strong, I want to make the right decisions but this being strong stuff is really hard ... Its really hard to do.

Its been a week of absolutely NO contact ... Last night was the first night that I actually got a decent nights sleep. I didn't wake up every 20 minutes looking at the clock ... I slept ... I crashed ...

The boys birthdays are coming up ... well, Aaron's just passed, it was the 16th of Sept. Austin's is coming up on the 14th of October. Normally we do a joint birthday party for both boys. They haven't said anything about a party, so I can only assume they'll do something for Austin on their own.

I don't know what I'll do for Austin yet. I'll have to think on that one ... he'll be 12 this year ... I don't know ...

I just don't know what to do .... Is this normal? If I'm such a good person, why am I alone? Why won't the stars align just for me? When will I hold the right cards in this game called Life?

And No, I haven't picked up the phone and even started to dial his number. And he wont' call me. Ah well ... guess thats why its called a break up ...

On a happier note ... My fireman friend are still talking ... he's a good man, with a good head on his shoulders ... and smart! How he can make me smile is beyond me. I wish we had tried harder to find each other and stick it out 20 years ago. Can't change the past though ... can only live for the future ... and you never know what the future holds ... I'm really glad to have my friend back.