Mind Games

and now let the mind games begin....

Get a text ... you have mail

Check Mail ... tree down on fence, letting calves out, we'll see what happens.

I respond, if there is a tree down on the fence, is it such a good idea to let the calves out?

Couple days later, I send: Hope you are doing well, havent heard from you. Your decision to not talk.

Yesterday get a text: you have mail
Him: You are the one mad at me, I'm not mad at you.
Me: I'm not mad, I'm upset with the way you were acting and your total lack of disrespect for me. (and I gave all the examples from the previous post)
Him: it was 2 freekin beers. you have no idea how much pain I am in and I hope you never experience it
Me: you are right, I have no idea how much pain you are in, and don't know if you don't tell me.

another text: you have mail
Him: something about God..... when you are at peace with God you are at peace with others....
Me: What is this supposed to mean?

Later on....
Him: You will not be hearing from me by text or email any more.
Me: Take Care
Him: Your decision not mine.....
Me: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??


Austin says good... I'm glad he's gone.

What is my problem?? can't even keep a single man around. F*$%K!!

Over - Reacting??

Last night I went to see him by myself... first time being alone since we started speaking. Should have been a good time... right?? not so much.

He wanted dinner, but didn't have anything there, I offered to pick something else, he wanted something that wasn't on the way there. SO... to be able to spend some time together, I went to get him so we could run out to get KFC.

I get there, he says, Ok, let me shut off the computer and shut the windows incase of rain, I said ok, no problem. He comes back out with 3 beers in hand. I asked why, he said for the road. I said no, thats not a good idea. My reasons as follows: 1. he's on probabtion, not supposed to have alcohol. 2. Drinking in my car would be considered me having open container... I don't want to get in trouble for that. He insists that he take the beer after stomping inside and pouting like a baby. I go in and tell him lets just go. He takes 2 with him. (I thought maybe I could keep him from drinking them if I talked to him and kept talking while we drove) NOPE

I hid one... he got pissed and reached for the shifter, said he'd push it into reverse while we were driving 55mph down the road... NICE. Needless to say, I stopped the car and handed him his beer and told him to knock it off, he threatened to walk back home. (should have said start walking, but I didn't)

We finally get to highway to get to where we are going (I didn't tell Austin where I was going just that I was going for a drive, didn't want any crap) Anyway, I ask David to stay quiet. does he? No, while Austin is asking me if he and luke can go bowling and that I have his bowling balls, David pipes up with he has balls..... nice. classy....

Get to Sullivan, he has finished beer #1. I order dinner (of course he wont' tell what he wants, just keeps being stupid about if there will be biscuits with the dinner). I pay, we get the food and we head back... he wants to take the long way back, ok fine, we go that way.... whatever... He says "roll down the window so I can throw out this beer can" I told him no, thats littering, again, baby fit, says people collect cans off the side of the road and helps them make a living, so therefore its not littering.... REALLY... WOULD THE COPS FIND THIS LOGICAL??? proceeds to throw the can out the window... (finishes 2nd beer and proceeds to do the same)

The ENTIRE TIME we're together, every couple of seconds I'm asked if we are having sex tonight... or told, we're having sex tonight.... to which I said, ummm... not happening.... not till its right and me being upset about the way this 51 year old is acting, isn't the right time for sex.

We get back to the house, he's still talking sex....fixes his plate, eats and goes to lay down on the couch, asking me to lay on him... no.... goes to sleep.... I woke him to tell him I was leaving, he says ok, if you see the dog, let him in. didn't get up to walk me out, nothing.

I feel like I'm over reacting, but I'm irritated... I haven't said anything to him... I don't want to fight. I just think its a little on the childish side.

Good we have not moved past friends.

Its not you, its me...

I ONLY WANT TO BE HAPPY.... I thought I was finding happy (or had even found happy) not feeling it today.

I didn't go out and buy wedding rings, havent even considered wedding ... I still want to get to know him... I don't want to jump into bed ... not till its right ... yes, we've been there before, but I don't want to go there again till we're both ready to be just us.

I don't get it... I'm not showing up without him knowing first. (and I've only been out there 3 times total) I'm not showing up at his church, even though he says he's watched for me to come. Yes, I might call to much, but I just want to get to know him again, I like to talk, I'm here all day every day without anyone to talk to... no people interaction... only email/instant message and some phone..... talking to Mom isn't the same as with friends.

I don't know... I feel like damaged goods... I feel pushed away ...

I told him I was sorry and that I'd back off... he said "NO,I love to hear from you, its not you, its me".... WTF does that mean

(he did mention the other day that his phone isn't working properly, IDK is that it??)

Part of me says run away... far away... and don't look back to any of them... and the other part says that this is all part of the 'new' the 'uncomfortable' relationship that I've been avoiding... the "unsafe"

Friends thing...

This having friends stuff is kinda fun. :)

David, Luke and I have hung out 3 of 6 evenings and had a really good time. The first night we hung out(Saturday), I took Pizza over to his house (think I said that before) and we had a good time just talking. Gave him a hug and we went home.

Luke kept telling me Saturday that I needed to tell David I loved him... I told him we were friends, so no, I asked Luke later why he kept saying that, he said "well, its like this, I have 2 Mom's already, it would be kinda nice to have 2 Dad's.... **sigh**

Monday he had the Lumbar Punch thing done on his back, his Mom was out there with him most of the day....

Wednesday, Luke and I went out and he had gotten fried chicken, potato wedges and coleslaw for us for dinner. We had a good time. Before we left he gave me a hug and a kiss. Luke sat in the car saying "UM guys... friends don't kiss..." **sigh**

I have to work all weekend, so we went back out again tonight... This time I took the fixins for Spaghetti and salad. Turned out really really good. Left some left overs there for him for lunch/dinner tomorrow and brought some home with me.... wooo hooo... lunch!! :) Again, he gave me a hug and kiss before I left and when I got there.

After I got dishes all washed up, Luke tells me I need to come sit on the couch by him and David. I went over and sat down, Luke proceeds to climb all over both of us and eventually laying down across both our laps. Its cute how he and David get along.

I know David and I had been close before.... and it feels like we could be heading there again... but I told him we're keeping it strictly friends right now... as easy as it would be to slip into beyond friends mode, I'm not ready for that. I want friends first. thats not to much to ask, is it?

Notice I have not said that Austin was out there too.... Luke and I have gone when Austin is at work... I just don't want any grief. I get to be happy too... thats what I'm told. I feel happy for the moment. Content, Happy and almost feel like all is right with the world....

Saturday....

David has been giving me shit about bbq-ing for him last saturday...that I needed to cook for him. I told him I don't BBQ...thats his job. It was rainy and cold anyway so BBQ was really out of the question. I told him that instead I would pick up pizza for him, his nephew Cody, myself and Luke (and his nephew's girlfriend if she was there) I grabbed the soda from the fridge, ordered pizza, picked them up and we were off to his house.

Luke and I get there, its just the 3 of us, Cody had left and his girlfriend couldn't get out, she was babysitting.

Luke got to see the cows and the horse (not up close, but close enough for me....) lol And the two dogs... Kane and Melba... the dogs were so cute and so fun! Luke had a blast playing with them.

We had a good time. Ate pizza, watched a movie and part of another one, and then headed home.

At one point, Luke leans over and says "mom, you should tell him you love him..." I said no, I'm not, we are friends.

David had a lumbar punch procedure done on his back yesterday. His Mom spent the day out there with him yesterday. I called to see how he was doing and told him I'd bring out the vacuum to do his floors on Wednesday night. (mega dog hair) His back really bothers him and can't do the vacuuming. Luke wants to help, so we're taking another vacuum out so that Luke can assist. :) David and I were talking about me bringing out the vacuum when his mom was there. He asked me, are you doing the bedroom too, I said no. He says why, you don't trust me... I said, thats exactly it, I don't trust you. His Mom was in the background laughing her butt off. :) She said "She sure knows you"

I asked him again to keep things at a slow pace. I don't want the pressue of a 'relationship' yet. I want to be friends... can we do that? so far we are.

On a side note, Austin doesn't care for him.... Austin said 'first impression' I sucked it up and didn't say anything. he's got his opinion and is entitled to it, but I dont' think spending 5 minutes sitting with someone gives you an accurate first impression.

Safer....

Been thinking some more ...

Why do I find Dennis the safer option?? Is it because there is no commitment? I never thought of myself as being one afraid of commitment. Maybe I am.

The only relationships I've been in are ones that won't work.... won't work why you ask... because they are already commited elsewhere....

See ... yet another reason I don't deserve happily ever after....

so how does one work past this fear?

Not that I want happily ever after with David, I want to take things slow and get to know him again. I don't want to jump both feet into another dream and then be disappointed yet again when it doesn't pan out.

it wasn't a date....

It really wasn't a date... I just met him and talked at a public place.... right? not a date?

Ok, Katie asked to tell her about David....

• David is the twin brother of a good friend of mine


• He and I had dated twice before (once about 20 years ago and again 10 years ago)


• He is 51 years old (to my 41 almost 42)


• He has 4 other sisters, 2 of which were also twins. (6 kids total, 2 sets of twins)


• The first time we dated it was amazing... we never fought, we got along so well, hung out with his family, went camping, he bought a 2nd horse then so I could ride with him....

It didn't work then because I was also seeing the boys dad. Even though I tried to end things with the boys Dad, there was this hold that I just couldn't shake.... I had to choose between the two... Dennis worked and held down a job/David didn't ... was looking at stability then.... Dennis seemed to make more sense, seemed safer... why? I don't know... thats just what my heart/head told me. Maybe its because deep inside I felt as if I didn't deserve to be happy, I don't know... I still feel that way.

• fast forward 10 years, he called out of the blue, wanted to see me. Austin and I met him at the park, Austin played we talked, we had a good time. I ended things with Dennis. tried to make things work with David. David drank (a lot) and he didn't trust me... and why would he, I hurt him pretty bad when I chose Dennis over him... David and I dated for about a month (if that) ... he never wanted to see my house, and always dogged me about Dennis. Non stop no trust and bickering between the two of us. I didn't like who I was when I was with him at that time. We split up, I stayed alone for another couple months and Dennis and I started talking again....

You already know Dennis and I have been on again off again. He tells me he wants to be with me, and it never happens. Many Many years of yes I love you ... but....

• David and I have emailed back and forth for the last few years, sending jokes, nothing serious, nothing committed.... just forwards from other people. Last week he emailed that he wishes I would come back....

So thats where I am....

No clue what will happen... I have not seen Dennis in over a month, except for at the bowling alley. Not one on one. No talking between us about us.

I don't want David to get the wrong idea, that I'm back ... because I'm not back. I just met him and talked.

He also told me that before, it was the alcohol that caused the trust issues between us, that he had stopped drinking (except on occasion, like watching a ball game) he had 3 beers while watching the game... is that to much, I don't know... just makes me nervous. He's going to church every week and has his ideas of religion, and he downs Catholics, which bothers me since I was raised Catholic. For example, he said that his nephew had gotten married to this girl he met in the bar and that she drank to much, and throws in about how she was catholic. I said to him, what does Catholic have to do with anything and he said something about those catholics like to drink. What I should have said was 'does that make you catholic' but I didn't..... I just said whatever and catholicism had nothing to do with their failed marriage.

Lots to think about....

I made it clear that we were friends.... and thats how I introduced to my friends.

Time will tell.... one day at a time is how this has got to go......

well....

Agreed to meet him.... of course he wouldn't decide when and where, so I said the Bowling alley.

I had the kids (all 3, Austin's girlfriend too) the kids bowled, we sat and talked. More BS than any real talking. But it was fun.

Felt weird with the kids there, felt like I was under a microscope, not to do anything inappropriate or it would be held against me. Nothing inappropriate was going to happen, I felt like I was going against their Dad. I know... I shouldn't feel that way, he's had ample opportunity to make a decision and be with me... however, I kinda did.....

I feel like it was a huge step for me to even suggest the bowling center. I work there.... I bowl there... (the kids dad bowls there....)

anyway ... We sat, we watched the ball game (Milwaukee vs St. Louis) ((yes Katie, MIL won)) :P He had a couple beers, I had none, not that he didnt offer. I just didn't feel right.

He kept suggesting going out to dinner (Austin and Sammy had already left, so it was me him and Luke) I told him that I needed to get home and that we'd go to dinner another time. He said he understood. I didn't want to leave the teenagers alone to long here.... Luke took to David pretty quick, of course David is like a big kid himself, constantly teasing and carrying on.

He walked me and Luke to the car, gave me a hug and we were on our way. He texted later and said that he had a good time. :)

Sunday Afternoon he sent me a text saying happy mother's day :)

I asked him if Saturday was as bad or worse than he thought it would be... he said wasn't bad, I had the same smile, the same laugh and the same sense of humor he always loved.

I'm babbling... I'll go now.

hmmmm

Took Luke to the dr a month ago, he's doing so much better on the meds. He's so much easier to deal with!! His class work is looking so much nicer, his teacher isn't yelling at him all day long, and I'm not as stressed with him.

Austin on the other hand has me stressed beyond belief.... I love that he feels he can say anything he wants to me, I just wish he'd figure out a little nicer way to say it sometimes so that I don't get to the point where I'm yelling "F*&* You" from across the room. Can I do better... I'm trying... really trying.

Life isn't all about what I want... especially when your kids grow up... they have their own wants and deserve to have them too... how does one deal with this? I want him to be happy and have everything... but I want him to stay my boy... the one who needed me... I still need him, but he doesn't need me.... this really makes me sad.

I might have a date. Saturday. He's single. He quit drinking. He's the brother of a friend of mine, he and I dated awhile back ... he's a good guy... did I mention he's single... yeah... go me... He's been emailing me and I told him I'd let him know when I was off work so we could get together. I have the whole weekend off... I emailed him back and told him I was available Saturday. Left the ball in his court if he was available to meet and tell me when and where. nervous as hell. I don't do well meeting people. yes, I knew him before, but its been a long time ago. I've changed.

I should email back and say no.... IDK.... I want a life .... but feel like I don't deserve it.

People tell me I'm a good person with a good heart.... if thats the case, why have things been so hard for me?