hmmmm

Took Luke to the dr a month ago, he's doing so much better on the meds. He's so much easier to deal with!! His class work is looking so much nicer, his teacher isn't yelling at him all day long, and I'm not as stressed with him.

Austin on the other hand has me stressed beyond belief.... I love that he feels he can say anything he wants to me, I just wish he'd figure out a little nicer way to say it sometimes so that I don't get to the point where I'm yelling "F*&* You" from across the room. Can I do better... I'm trying... really trying.

Life isn't all about what I want... especially when your kids grow up... they have their own wants and deserve to have them too... how does one deal with this? I want him to be happy and have everything... but I want him to stay my boy... the one who needed me... I still need him, but he doesn't need me.... this really makes me sad.

I might have a date. Saturday. He's single. He quit drinking. He's the brother of a friend of mine, he and I dated awhile back ... he's a good guy... did I mention he's single... yeah... go me... He's been emailing me and I told him I'd let him know when I was off work so we could get together. I have the whole weekend off... I emailed him back and told him I was available Saturday. Left the ball in his court if he was available to meet and tell me when and where. nervous as hell. I don't do well meeting people. yes, I knew him before, but its been a long time ago. I've changed.

I should email back and say no.... IDK.... I want a life .... but feel like I don't deserve it.

People tell me I'm a good person with a good heart.... if thats the case, why have things been so hard for me?