Don't worry .....

Things are fine ... I've been behaving ... I enjoy talking to him and visiting with him. If he decides that he's not happy in his marriage, it is not going to be because of me. I'm here to talk to him, to listen to him to be his friend. Do I still have feelings for him, yes ... does he have feelings for me? yes.

What now? We continue to be friends ... talk and take things day by day ... We've cut back, we aren't talking near as much as we had been. The e-mails have slowed down, but the friendship is still strong. I think we're on track for a healthy friendship.

Dennis actually talked to me last Saturday. Its the first time in a month that he even said hello. He also talked to Luke and helped him with his bowling. I don't know how long this will last, but maybe its a sign of better things. Maybe he and I can once again be friends. Somehow I doubt it since he still doesn't talk to his xwife after 20+ years, but stranger things have happened.

I have a friend, Shawn, a couple years younger than me, who is going thru a break up with his girlfriend ... he and I have talked a lot lately too ... he tells me he doesn't know what he'd do if he didn't have me and our friend Laura to talk to ... he's a sweet heart ... my heart aches for him.

Lets see ... what else ....

My boys are doing fantastic! Luke is LOVING preschool! Austin is LOVING Jr. High! AND btw ... when he got his progress report, he was making straight A's ... quarter ended yesterday, looks like he may still have those A's!!! :D

I'm contemplating taking a new job here ... its basically the same thing that I currently do, but this job I'd have 13 techs work FOR me. I know I could handle it, but it would be increased travel, and right now, they tell me its a lateral move, no additional money. I'm holding out to see how bad they want me to take the job, to see if they will offer some $$$ to go along with it. I'd be pretty far from the MRP on this job (market reference point) ... We'll see. It would be closer to home and a LOT LESS traffic! Its got its pros and cons ... we'll see.

10 Things You'll NEVER Hear Me Say

Stolen from others ......

1. Oh no honey, no sex tonight
2. Please, extra cucumbers
3. No Luke, you can poop anywhere
4. Oh sure, you can have my car
5. No, I don't cry watching movies
6. Sure, run with sissors
7. Please, give me another week of duty manager rotation
8. I LOVE "that" time of month
9. Trash, just leave it ...
10. Don't clean up your toys, I like it like this!

The Wedding ....

OMG ... Brigitte looked wonderful! She had to be the most beautiful bride I've ever seen in my life! Happy and Glowing ... you could tell that she and Alan are so happy together! The boys and I headed up to Old Monroe for the wedding (over an hour away from home) Luke pee'd thru his pullup, so I had to take his dress pants off of him and put him in jeans ... at church, Luke didn't want to sit still for me and there was NO way I was going to let him run the church, so Austin stayed in and watched the ceremony, Luke and I walked around outside in the dark cemetary on Friday the 13th ....

After the wedding, which what I could see thru the glass doors, was sooooo pretty .... we jumped in the car and drove about a half hour to the reception. Shortly after we got there, my cell phone rings ... My fireman friend called to see where I was. I told him and he met us at the reception. It was sweet. The boys loved him. Luke kept telling him "Bubba, I be white back" and he'd run to the drinking fountain and run right back to him. He and Austin talked a little, we had dinner, He carried my plate since I was carrying Luke to keep him under control. Luke sat on both our knees to eat dinner, eating quite a bit of my plate of food .... after dinner, we danced, it was so nice. Luke plopped himself down in the middle of the dance floor, just sat there and let everyone dance around him .... every now and then you'd see him wiggle and dance while sitting ... just like his momma, he is ... Momma doesn't fast dance around others either .... only sitting in her chair ... ;)

It was a nice night ... clear, stary sky, half moon, cool crisp air ... wonderful, wonderful night with friends and family!

Well, you guys were right ...

I got sucked in .... I knew I would, I knew I'd get close, I knew I'd fall all over again. Now I don't know where I stand. I don't know what I feel, I don't know what I want to feel. No, I do know what I want to feel. I want to feel safe and loved. I can't have that ... not now anyway. Its not that he doesn't love me, he does .... We just can't move forward, not yet anyway. He's a wonderful man, don't get me wrong .... its apparently just not in the cards right now ...

I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself ... I got a new do today ... My Dr said I was fine (since I didn't share before, we thought I may have had something going on with a bit of an irregular heart beat, but according to the dr, its from stress and lack of sleep, that the entire time he listened to my heart, all was good and he listened for about 2 minutes) ... I called another guy friend of mine (no worries about getting attached to him ... he's younger, I don't do younger) he's taking his breakup pretty hard, I'm talking to him a little here and there to get his and my mind off of crap ...

I'm glad to be done with Dennis, but hate the way he treats me and Luke now .... its like neither of us exist. I don't understand that. If I'm screwing him, then he talks or at least says hello, but when I'm not, when I appear to be happy even without him he can't have anything to do with either of us.

cookin fool ....

I'm on vacation this week ... YAY! Well, don't know so much about YAY ... but at least I'm getting a break....

So far, I've made homemade Chicken N Dumplins, they turned out really good .... brownies ... and some chicken parmesan garlic pizza .... Luke is scarfing up the pizza as I type..... There is one bowl of chicken n dumplins left, I promised my fireman friend some .... If he's lucky, he'll get it ... if not, he'll have to wait for me to feel like cooking again.

Went for my annual check up ... doc said everything looked good but he'd have the results back in about a week or so ... That made me feel a bit better.

Two more dr appts to go ... I'm old, so I have to do a mammogram ... yee haw!

Going to CA!!!!

I wish I could say YAY, I'm going to CA .... but I can't ... I'm kinda bummed ... I love the idea of seeing a new area, could be lots of picture taking possiblibies .... I'm suposed to go to CA in late October for work. I don't want to go alone though ... I want to see things when I get off work, I want to enjoy it with someone special. Its a business trip, but still ...

I'm on vacation next week. My vacation plans right now consist of a Dr appt on Monday (woo hoo ... shed em and spread um ... yay!) **note the sarcastic tone** And Friday, one of my best friends is marrying her High School Sweetheart after 20+ years ... they've talked on and off for all these years and finally decided they needed to be together. I'm so happy for her. She's so happy with him. Brigitte & Alan 10/13/2006 will finally be united in marriage.

Its been a month since I started talking to my fireman friend again. 9/8/2006 was the first time we talked, really talked in 20 years. Everytime I talk to him, I smile .... He hasn't changed a bit ... ok, maybe a little, but he's still the man I fell in love with all those years ago ... I'm happy he's back in my life ... He's a good friend to have, he likes my kids and my kids like him. I enjoy our conversations ... no matter if they are about the past, the present or the future, about his work, my work, whatever ... its just so nice to talk to him.

Last Friday night I did go out ... took the boys with me and had dinner with my friend Laura. She's doing good, but still missing Kevin. (Kevin passed away 19 months ago) They were married 27 years and were soooooo good together. They were definately made for each other. Kevin put Laura on a pedastil ... you could feel the love between the two of them. You could see the love.

I was totally pissed at Dennis for not taking the time out of his hunting schedule for the boys ... maybe I was wrong to be mad at him for that. He does like his hunting, and I can understand that ... completely, however what I don't understand is how he can sit there at the bowling alley and not say a word to Luke or myself unless I take Luke over to him. then and only then will he talk to him. I don't get that. Does it bother me that he won't talk to me or look my direction ... yeah, a little. But I'm not going to let that get me down. I deserve more ....

I wish I could yell to the world .... "See this guy ... he makes me happy!" I'm still looking for "this guy" I'm not giving up hope... I know he's out there somewhere ... just waiting to find me ...