Time to check out ....
I guess thats what you'd call it ... check out for awhile .... check into some looney bin ... I feel like I'm going nuts ... I snap so easily, no its not PMS, I found out after my last break down, you know, when I was going to quit my job that was all related to that apparently, cause (TMI) I started the next day. Now, I know its not PMS ... Its just plain and simply stated BITCH. I don't know if I'm coming or going, no one is happy with me. My kids constantly fight with each other and with me. I have tried asking my Mom for help, I tried to ask for a break weeks ago, I only wanted a weekend. No one wants to take me seriously.
This past weekend, Austin just pushed all the right buttons, really pushed further than he ever has. I warned him that if he didn't knock it off I was going to deck him. He comes back with "You always say that but you never do." WRONG ... I punched him in the arm. Not just once, 5 times. I was so pissed. I walked away crying. I told his Dad what happened, and he told ME that I needed to calm down, never mind that HIS son pushes and pushes.
I call my Mom because Austin's mouth just keeps going even after Saturday's incident. I tell her he's driving me insane with all the back talk ... she gets on the phone with him, I hang up, they talk, when they are done, he tells me that Grandma says that I'm just a "B, you know a female dog" and that they joked I'm just like her dog Kimmy. NNNNIIIIICCCCEEEEE... I called her back and told her "yeah, um, thanks so much for the support" She asks if I'm being sarcastic ... I said um yeah, thats it. She asked what was wrong, I tell her what he said was said. She said that wasn't what was said and is PISSED that he added words to their conversation. What she said was that I was a brick head like the dog ....
I know the pressure isn't all Austin. I just don't get why I snap so easily. Last night I told my mom that I wondered if I had a chemical imbalance or something again, trying to ask what the hell my problem is, she just told me "Well, the dr can do tests to see if something is off" So what do I do, call the doctor and tell him I think I'm fucking nuts?
Nevermind that my grandpa had a mental breakdown at one time, when I don't know, my mom won't talk medical history with me. Apparently it runs on her side of the family, one of her cousins suffers from depression, I only found that out in passing. I get soooo frusterated that she wont' talk to me. The only thing she says is that my father's mother was diabetic and fat and that I need to loose weight to have a better life. UM ... Ya think?
It really sucks to drive down the road and think ... if I were to swerve here or drive off here ... yeah, these thoughts go thru my head from time to time. But I don't do it ... I would hope that I'd never do that .... I don't know if I'm coming or going ... I'm rambling ...
You know when Dennis figured out I was serious about Austin acting up?????? When I told him my MOM was pissed ... the rest of the time he thinks I'm over reacting....
Yes, some of the stress could be from being a single mom of 2 boys and working full time. Not enough time in the day or enough money in my account. Whatever ... again, I'm rambling ...
I'm sure I earned plenty of enemies today when I posted that I punched Austin in the arm. I know I did. No one's said anything, but I'm sure they will. Its just a matter of time. Some will understand, some will offer advice, some will just be here for me with a big hug and some will judge ... just a matter of time.
posted by hyka's mess @ 7:01 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
Hey this age---I tell ya it may just be what does me in!!!! Jordan is the same way!!!!! It's like going through the terrible two's all over again--just seeing what they can get away with lol.....It will get better, I promise---you're just having a really hard time right now....I'm not going to tell you to go to the doctor but I will tell you that there's not anything wrong with it....I wish I had the perfect words to help you feel better! Love you a whole whole bunch!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I'm here with a big hug. Been there done that with Alex, I've come close to hitting him, and I've thought about it a lot. He's got ADHD, but he really seems to be bi-polar, but I have people tell me that all he needs is a good spanking. You are the only one that knows your kid. Alex is 14 and the back talk and having to get the last word in is driving me nuts. I, too, feel like I'm going nuts sometimes. GRRRR. As far as going to see your dr. That's what he's there for. People get help all the time and it can just be a short term thing, but, again, only you know how you feel. I'm actually the only one in my family that has not been treated for depression or other things, both brothers, my sister and mother, all have at one time or another, I just think that I feel I have to be the perfect one all the time and I just never talked to anyone. Sorry, I'm rambling, but I understand, I was a single mom for 10yrs and even now having hubby and mom close,just sometimes isn't helpful enough. Phew. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.
You know what, Monica, you do what you have to do. You certainly haven't made me an enemy.
I don't need to point out that you have a lot on your plate. That would be pointing out the obvious. You're entitled to "break down" every now and again - that's perfectly normal.
Austin is at an awkward age where he's probably not sure where he fits in anymore. He's not really a kid, but not quite a teenager...just lost in between. Him testing his limits is his way of figuring out what's what. That being said, it doesn't make it any easier. You have done an amazing job with him.
As for meds - well, I can't say too much about it one way or the other since I've taken them myself. Based on my experience, they've helped but they don't make problems magically go away. They certainly helped me, though, to deal with the things I needed to deal with.....sort of provided me with some emotional balance while I dealt with things. If you need 'em, take 'em.
In the meantime, I'm sending HUGE hugs your way!
I JUST read this. Tons of hugs to you, and I wish I had great advice, but sometimes there is nothing to say that will be perfect and make it all go away.
One thing I can say is that when it all seems horrible and dark, there is nowhere to go but up. It will get bright again I promise.
(((hugs)))
I'm here with a hug for you. I don't have any advice since I'm feeling the same way. I feel the same way about no one taking me serious or assuming I'm over reacting. My bedroom door took the brunt of my frustration today. Now there's a hole to remind me. *sigh* Hope things look up for ya!
First, I'm sorry I have sucked at checking your blog. Mostly for not commenting. I'm sorry you are/were/will be going through a rough time. A s for punching Austin... you know what? I think every parent has at one time done something physical to their child they wish they dind't. Once when Vicky was 5 I slapped her across the face, that felt so good I did it again. Then again. 17 years later, I still cringe. She has no memory of it. That didn't make me a bad parent, just a parent who made a bad choice.
As for how you're feeling, maybe a doctor could help..who knows?
I wish I could give you a big hug!
Post a Comment
<< Home