Thankful for .....

Thanksgiving is my most favorite holiday of the year ... because nothing is demanded ... take a dish with you, eat and enjoy the company of friends and loved ones.

I'm very thankful for having 2 healthy boys, while they can be a handful, they are still mine and I love them more and more each day.

I'm thankful for my family, my Mom and Dad for looking out for us even though we don't live under their roof any longer. My sister Lisa who always has a hug for me when I'm sad. My sister Jeanette, even though she's a pain in the neck and has her own way of doing things, I still love her and am thankful she's my sister. My nieces and nephews, each and everyone ... Abby, she's quite boy crazy, hopefully she'll settle down some soon, Maddison she's cute as a button and gives her Aunt Myka GREAT BIG HUGS ... Alan, I'm so thankful that he didn't get hurt worse than he did in that accident, he's got the biggest smile for his Aunt Monica. Tommy and Kenny, two nice young men that I really haven't gotten to spend a lot of time with. And my two Brother-In-Law's Scott and James, you guys make my sisters happy, what more could I ask for from you??

I'm thankful for my relationship with Austin's dad and step-mom, the hate between all of us just wasn't working, I'm glad we figured things out.

I'm thankful that I have a job ... one I can come to everyday and make a living for my boys.

I'm thankful for my friends, all of them, near and far away. Joe, I love how you can crack me up and make me cry all in the same conversation, I really appreciate you sharing you with me. KatieO, Angel, KatieS, Lin and Ruthie, you girls are always there to lend an ear and some helpful advice. Then there are my other friends at home .... Anna, Jen, LauraM, LauraY and Julie ... I really value our friendship and am glad that I met you guys.

I'm so thankful for being healthy and having my family and friends ...

Hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving .... each and everyone of you!

Stupid things about me......

1. My uncle once: took my sister and I for a ride in his antique car and scared the crap out of us.
2. Never in my life: have I been to a hockey game
3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always manage to make me smile: my kids
4. High School was: Scarey, Enlightening, FUN
5. The animal I'm most afraid of: Birds
6. My first real love was: Jimmy
7. If I were to get married right now my bridesmaids/groomsmen would be: my sister
8. I talk to my ex's: yes, when I see them, I didn't before.
9. When I was 5: My real dad left
10. Last Christmas : I enjoyed visiting with family, even though my sister was late, we all still had a good time.
11. When I turn my head left, I see: My second computer, pics of my boys, my calendar and bulletin board
12. When I turn my head right, I see: parts cabinets and used parts ready for shipping
13. The craziest Family Event was: Anything that my uncle Ron was in a good mood
14. If I was a character on Friends I'd be: Rachel, in the end, she found her true love.
15. By this time next year: I'll be working and running kids everywhere
16. My favorite Aunt is: Betty - Mom's youngest sister, who has always been everyones friend
17. I have a hard time understanding: those who only put themselves first
18. One time at a family gathering: We played Pictionary and my sister and I kicked ass ... Dad swore we were cheating, but we weren't.
19. You know I "like" you if: I talk to you a second time.
20. If I won an award, the first person(people) I'd thank is: My mother and father
21. Take my advice: Change is good, it only makes us better
22. My ideal breakfast is: Anything with my family.
23. If you visit my hometown: you'd be very proud of yours ;)
24. If you spend the night at my house: I'd cook a good dinner, break out the liquor if you drink, and we'd talk all night.
25. I'd stop my wedding if: What the hell kind of question is that.
26. The world could do without: Sexual offenders
27. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: let me get back to you on that one...lol
28. My favorite blonde is: Faith Hill - she's beautiful, can sing and act and she married Tim McGraw ...
29. Paper clips are more useful than: no paperclips
30. If I do anything well, it is: making friends
32. And by the way: I can't count ;)
32. The last time I was drunk: I was at a charity bowling event with my boss... we had a blast!
33. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: pigs
34. I shouldn't be: so hard on myself ...
35. Once, at a bar: I got totally toasted, my sister drove me home and I yelled at some girl across the parking lot who was yelling at a guy driving away from her
36. Last night: talked to a sweet man
37. There's this girl I know who: thinks she knows everything about everybody ...
38. A better name for me would be: I like my name, though when I was younger I wanted to be named Melissa
39. If I ever go back to school I'll: Become a teacher. Kindergarten sounds good.
40. Next time I go to church: will be when Luke sits still and understands how to be quiet (unless I can get someone to watch him during mass)
41. How many days until my birthday?: 171 days

Lost

I graduated high school in 1987. At the time I was dating Bob. When I got out of school, I immediately moved in with a friend of mine, Angie, lived with her till about August 1988. I got a job at the same factory that Bob was working at in April 1988. It was quite an experience working in the factory and met all sorts of people. Some really nice and others pretty scarey. Bob and I moved in together and lasted all of about a year of living together. We worked second shift together which we didn't get off of work until 2AM. We worked 4 days a week/10 hour shifts. It was nice, except on the weekends, Bob would go out and would never allow me to go along. I had to stay home. I would ask him where he was or who he was with and always got the same answer "friends" He ended up getting mad at me because HE stayed out all night and I was worried ... and he told me to "go home to mommy." I was 19 then and anyone that knows me knows that I'm VERY STUBBORN and headstrong. I found out that he had been sleeping with a friend of ours girlfriend. Her parents wouldn't let her date Brian, so to get around that, Bob would pick her upu and take her home for Brian. They got closer than that. I moved out, stayed a few nights with my friend Angie and found my own apartment within a week.

I met Dennis at work, we carpooled together and in July of 1989 we started seeing each other. He wasn't married at the time, but was seeing someone else also. Dennis and I started out just hanging out after work and on our days off. In Feburary of 1990, he told me that he was getting married in June. I thought my life had ended. How could I move forward? He told me not to worry about it we'd be fine, afterall, the only reason he was doing it, the only reason he was going thru with the marriage was because his sisters had already spent the money on their dresses. He assured me that everything would be alright with us. At that point, I should have turned and walked away, at that point I should have run. I was 20/21 years old and totally head over heals in love with this man. I believed every word he said. I stuck around. You have NO idea how much I idolized this man.... he's like a drug that I just can't get off of ... He went thru with the marriage, I was invited... I went... yes, looking back, I can't believe I went, but I did. I got drunk off my ass at the reception. I danced far more slow dances with him than his new wife did, but he was getting me to dance, I was quite content at my table with my wine coolers. He was on vacation/honeymoon for a week. Long about Friday, I come home from work and there is an emerald and diamond ring sitting on the couch for me from him, with a nice little letter saying how much he loved me.

In September of 1991, his wife gave birth to a baby boy. After Aaron was born, I told Dennis that there was no way he'd leave there and that we should end our relationship. And what does he do, moves in with me ... lives with me for all of 2 weeks the first time and 6 weeks the second time. Yes, I enjoyed him being there, he enjoyed being there, we had the best sex .... OMG all of the time ... He left and went back, he said that the baby really missed him. In 1994 I got pregnant with Austin. Dennis was so excited ... but only when he talked to me and my friends. Austin was born in October, thank goodness I had him before Turkey season or Dennis wouldnt' have seen the baby until after I got home from the hospital. I had Austin the FRIDAY before Turkey season opened .... go figure ... After Austin was born, his wife didn't see Austin till Thanksgiving, then occasionally off and on after that. One day when they came over to get Austin, she asked him in front of me to tell me who it was that he wanted to be with. While winking at me, he said that he wanted to be with her. WTH was I thinking in not just walking away completely then?

Don't get me wrong ... Dennis and I were on again off again during this whole time, everytime I'd try to move forward without him, something else happened and drug me right back into it.

Dennis is a good Dad and a good friend. I've also since become friends with his wife ... well, you can say friends ... we get along for the kids ... I know she knows that Dennis and I still care for each other. I know deep in my heart that Dennis and I will never be together as a couple. Even though he still tells me that he loves me.

How do you get past that ... 16 years of "I love you, but I can't be with you" How do you follow your heart when your heart lead you in the wrong direction before? How?

This took all I had to write ... put our history into words ... and read what an Idiot I can be.

All I want out of life now is to find someone willing to share it with me. Someone that says, "hey, thats my girl" and mean it. Someone I can say the same about. (not the hey thats my girl, but "hey thats my guy") and not have to hide behind anything. Someone who has similar likes and dislikes ... similar, not exact ... someone willing to spend time with ME ... someone who would want to put me first in their life ... OMG ... I'm so flippin stupid ... and I live in a dream world... None of this really exists, not in real life anyway.

Ok ... there you have it ... my history put into words ...

Cute Song ....

I got Luke these "Baby Signing Times" Cd's and Dvd's. One song on there is so cute ... Luke tries to sing it with me at bedtime.

My teddy had a hard day
its starting now to show
he ripped his seam and bumped his nose
and even lost his bow

Teddy don't you worry
I have the thing that works
I'll put my arms around you
and kiss it where it hurts.

Mommy had a hard day
I spilled milk on her floor
I made a mess with all my toys
and I slammed every door

Mommy don't you worry
I have the thing that works
I'll put my arms around you
and kiss it where it hurts.

Kisses are good medicine
like laughter, tears and hugs
Kisses make it better
The medicine of Love

Baby had a hard day
slipped on milky floors
hurt my feet on messy toys
slammed fingers in the doors

Baby don't you worry
I have the thing that works
I'll put my arms around you
and kiss it where it hurts.

Kisses are good medicine
like laughter, tears and hugs
Kisses make it better
The medicine of Love

Baby don't you worry
I have the thing that works
I'll put my arms around you
and kiss it where it hurts.

Inch Worm

My Junior year in High School, I decided I was going to make my prom dress instead of buying it. We all know how expensive prom dresses can be. I went to the store and found this seafoam green satin fabric and a really cute dress pattern.

With my mom's help, I get the dress all sewn together. Mom helped with the zipper and told me ok, now sew here ... the hem had to be put in by hand. So, being the lazy tailor that I am, my thread was as long as my arm and then some. I'm sitting on the couch this fine spring evening and hemming this dress. Thread in and arm extended as far out as it could possibly go to pull the thread thru. Stitch after stitch, stretch after stretch I'm making progress little by little. I re-thread the needle and sew some more, when all of a sudden I look at my long long piece of thread and there is an inch worm, exactly matching my dress crawling up my thread to my hand. I start SCREAMING, mom and my sister Lisa come running. Mom has Lisa get a napkin and take the inch worm outside. Mom hugs me to calm me down, I'm sobbing hysterically and she's bouncing right along with my sobs laughing her ass off.

At the time, I didn't know how the hell that damn inch worm got on my dress or why it was trying to attack me ... No, I didn't know that my mom was laughing her ass off, I couldn't tell between the sobs ... TO THIS DAY they have not let me forget the inch worm....

BTW, the dress turned out really nice and worm free ...

This weeks Challenge ....

OK, parking further away and walking more was a challenge, but not as challenging as it could have been.

This week, starting now ... NO SODA ... As much as I love my Diet Mtn Dew, I'm cutting out soda and drinking more water.

AND ...

I'm going to contact a gym to exercise more ... I will work it into my budget.

I'm doing this for me .... its about darn time too!

A hunting we will go ....

Austin went hunting this past weekend, left Thursday Night, helped to set up camp, shot the gun at the fire range on Friday and Saturday -- OPENING DAY OF DEER SEASON! Yep, my baby went hunting for the first time ... ok, maybe not his first time in the deer woods, but his first time to carry a gun, shoot a gun at a living animal. Does it scare the hell out of me, my baby hunting, yes and no. Yes in that there are so so many people out there that will shoot at whatever is moving in the bushes before even knowing what the target is ... and NO because he went with his Dad and their family and friends. Austin spent Thursday - Sunday camping and hunting in the deer woods. He had a blast .... did he get a deer ... um ... no, but he did see one, but it heard him and ran off. He and his Dad saw lots of Turkey that walked right in front of them. Austin says "Dad can I shoot one" His dad responds with "Yeah, you could, but, it'll cost us $5,000 dollars"

My baby had good quality time with his Dad. They don't get that often and I think they really bonded out in the Deer woods. Austin said that "uncle" Neal suggested that Austin go with him but Dad said no .... "Uncle" Neal said that it was because Dad wanted to see his boy get his first deer ... Dad of course said yes. Honestly, I think Dad was afraid of what Momma would say if Austin was hunting with anyone other than him. He knew I wasn't very comfortable with Austin going. I'm glad that Dennis choose to keep Austin with him. I don't have any problem with any of the others they were with, but Austin really needed to be close to his dad, they needed that one on one bonding time.

Austin was upset when he got home ... he had been up for 16 hours, which didn't help with him being upset ... he told me that he missed his Dad already. I had him call his Dad to tell him he had a good time. Dennis promised to take him out again next Sunday if it wasn't raining.

Austin woke up this morning just full of stories of how Grandpa Bob cooked this and Uncle James said this and Uncle Neal did this .... he definately had a blast! I'm so glad he got to go. Maybe next time he'll get his deer.

Friends ....

We all have close friends, family friends, school friends, online friends and friends at work. There are many levels of friends, good friends and just friends, dear friends and forever friends. There are old friends and new friends. Sheesh, I'm sounding like a Dr. Suess book ... uggg ... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I value every friendship that I have no matter how you became my friend.

Someday I hope to find that one who will be more than just friends ... the one who will forever steal my heart and brand it with his name forever.

Thank you my friends ... all of you, wherever you may be.

Challenge for the week ...

So this week is all about challenges ... I'll say it is ....

I'm challenged to leave my baby at the sitters every day, being on vacation last week really spoiled me AND Luke. Not to mention Austin, he got to sleep late and get taken to and picked up from school. NOW, trying to get back into the groove of things has been a major challenge.

But that isn't what Katie was talking about ... She wants PERSONAL Challenges ... for example, she's challenging herself to drink more water. Angel is challenging herself to stay off of the computer for a week. And Ruthie, my dear Ruthie has challenged herself to not referring to booze or boobies ... if you read Ruthie's blog, you'd understand, that is going to be quite a challenge for her. Personal challenge for me ... Well, I think I'm going to challenge myself with a walking a little more every day. Park at the end of the parking lot instead ... hey, its a start ... and I did walk 4 laps around the track last night while Austin was at PSR.

Thats my challenge for the week ... whats yours?

My "Real" Dad .....

My "Real" Dad and my Mom got divorced when I started Kindergarten. I am the oldest of his children (he has a total of 3 girls and 2 stepsons). I was born in May of 1969, just 10 months or so after he and my mom got married. From what I can remember he wasn't much of a Dad ... he yelled a lot and hit a lot and was just generally mean. I remember how I loved to have his attention, but ended up crying in the long run. When he yelled, I ALWAYS pee'd my pants. I remember him hitting my dog Brandy (St. Benard pup) with a 2x4 ... I remember going swimming with him and him dunking me under the water every chance he got (thus my fear of water now). I remember the day that he and Mom decided to part ways ... I was 5 and my sister was 3. My Dad got into his truck with his stuff all loaded, we were standing outside by his truck with my Mom. I wanted to give my Dad a hug and kiss, he told me "Hug your mother" so I did, and I'd try again to give him a hug and again I got "Hug your mother" He pulled out of the driveway and hadn't said goodbye or given me a hug. Now, My sister, she didn't care ... she was little, but that was MY DADDY ... he left and all he would say to me was "Hug your mother"

My Dad moved in with a lady who had 2 boys and they later got married and they had a little girl, Shelley. We saw my dad regularly the at first, every other weekend, which turned into once a month, then once every other month then not again until I was 19 years old.

My Mom remarried when I was in third grade. When I was in sixth grade, my step-dad adopted me and my sister. (he had a daughter from a previous marriage). The day of the adoption should have been the happiest day ever .... however ... when Mom and my Step-Dad went in to talk to the Judge, they left my sister and I sit in the hall, no biggie ... we were old enough to sit still. The Bailiff (officer in the court) came out and started saying my "real" dad's name and looking for him in the bathroom and all around. See, he was given the opportunity to come to court and say that he didn't want his children to be adopted and raised by someone else. I'm not much for speaking up, even to this day, so I told my sister to tell the man that he was looking for our dad. Of course, she didn't and wouldn't. We just sat there quietly looking around for our Dad. We left the court house and went out to lunch as a family cause, we now all had the same last name and it was a great day .... I secretly kept looking over my shoulder to see if I could find my Dad. It really hurt that he didn't show up.

Thru the years, I'd check the phone book for his name, just to see if he was still in the area and even consider calling or writing to him. He was afterall, My Dad ... I could never bring myself to do it. One day, My sister made the call and she talked to him for hours. He called me and I met him the following week and we rode together out to see my grandparents. He and I talked for a long time, he told me many things that contradicted things that my mom had told me all of my life ... things like, it was her who made the decision that he not see us any longer and that she didn't allow us to call him etc etc .... he also told me that he didn't want it to be another 12 years before he saw us again and that he wanted to have a relationship with us. He told me that he WAS in town the day of the adoption and that he almost came into court and objected to the adoption. But, what he wanted most was for us kids to be happy.

I told him that when I was 16, we had gone to Florida on vacation .... I told him that I could have swore that I saw him driving a truck (he was a truck driver and I believe still is). He said that it was him and that he did see my Mom in the passenger seat of the car and us kids in the back seat .... Guess I didn't forget what he looked like afterall ...

I spent a lot of time with my Dad and my Half Sister Shelley ... Shelley would spend weekends with me and we'd do a lot of stuff together and just had a great time hanging out (she was 7 years younger than me). Then one day, I took her over to my Mom's house, which I didn't think was any big deal .... Shelley didn't either ... but her Mom did. That night, I took Shelley home and she told Dad and Nancy that I took her to my mom's house and that my mom was nice, that was the last time I talked to any of them. My Dad quit calling, Shelley quit calling and neither would take calls when I called there, I only got the answering machine. Apparently taking her around my mom was a very wrong thing to do.

EVERY YEAR I send my "real" dad a Christmas card and a letter. When I had Austin in 1994, I sent him a birth announcement. I stopped in there when Austin was a year old so that my Dad could see him. My Dad said hello and said he had something he had to do and left. He didn't even try to spend time with me or my son. His own blood ... yes, he still gets Christmas Cards to this date .... He got a birth announcement in 2004 when Luke was born.

My sister called him just recently to "catch up" He told her that my boys look just like me .... gosh what I'd give to hear him say that to me ... Even a card that said "Love your Dad"

I'm doing my part in keeping the lines of communication open. I give him my phone number AND address with every card and letter I send him. My mom thinks I'm wasting my time writing to him. I just tell her that this way, when he's gone from this world, NO ONE can cay that I didn't try. I love my "real" Dad ... I can't tell you why ... because I don't know why ... I just do and thats the way it is ....

I'm not the story teller that Angel is ... I can't put you in the moment, make you feel exactly how I felt, smell the smells, walk the walk .... Sorry 'bout that ....

Totally Grossed Out ....

I take Austin to school and pick him up when I'm off of work ... it makes him feel special, plus we get a little more time together in the mornings and afternoons. Tuesday Morning, We see my friend's husband dropping off his two girls, we wave and I drop Austin off at the doors ... Luke and I head home ... A few neighbors are outside, Luke and I go inside. Shortly after I get him set in his highchair, there is a knock on the door ... I figure its my neighbor Donna since we didn't trick-or-treat at her house the night before ... I answer the door, its my friend's husband ... he followed me home!!

Now folks ... this isn't the first time he's just shown up unannounced, so I didn't think a whole lot about it ... I thought it creepy but thought what the hey, let him in and chat for a bit ... Then the questions started ... was I still BFing Luke, how long ago did I quit ... was I seeing anyone special ....Did I know any non-crazy women that would flirt w/him ... would I flirt w/him ... I told him NO, I wasn't going to flirt w/him, he asks me why .... Well, I say, for starters, you are married to one of my best friends ... what, thats suposed to make it ok??? Hell, I think not ... He says, well, will you at leatst kiss me ... UMM NO ... again he asks why not ... UMM HELLO ... YOU ARE LAURA'S HUSBAND! He says ... well can I see your boobies ... UMM I don't think so ...

He did leave and asked me not to tell Laura ... I'm a little torn here ... this isnt' the first time he's approached one of her friends ... the last one did tell her and she was then deemed "crazy" ... do I take that chance and risk our friendship or just keep my mouth shut ... Nothing happened and nothing ever would happen ... I was the Maid of Honor at their wedding ...

She really doens't need a pig like him ....

I Love this Tree ...

This tree is next to the old abandoned house across the street from my home. Its missing some limbs due to a storm that blew thru earlier this Spring... Its such a beautiful orange color right now, I just had to share!

In the Spring, the watching this tree turn green just renews my faith that there is new life. In the Summer it provides shade for those who pass under it. In the Fall its just as beautiful as can be. And in the Winter, its so pretty with snow covering its branches.

School Halloween Party

So, you remember how nervous I was about the Halloween Party and being in charge of planning the games and the party itself ... I posted before all of the games that I had found ... we didn't end up dividing into groups, Austin's teacher was very "in charge" and boy, those kids really listen to her. We only ended up doing 3 games and all of the parents that were going to help, well they didn't all show up ... go figure ... We ran out of time for anymore games than the three. We played Pin the tail on the cat ... that was fun, I made them keep one hand behind their back, I'd spin them 3x and TRY to point them to the chalk board where we had the cat ... let me tell you, some of the places that tail ended up .... FUNNY ... wish I'd have taken the digital camera. I bought some disposable camera's for the two fifth grade classes so that we could have pictures. We played "Guess the Ghost" The school counseler put on the ghost costume and stepped into the class, we drew names and as we drew a name, the child got to guess WHO was the ghost ... About the Fifth kid got it right, and then everyone else yelled at the first four ... We can't believe you didn't guess who she was ... And lastly, we played the "build the skeleton" game. The first 4 who correctly put their skeleton together won a prize. The party went well, from my prospective anyway ... Austin told me "Mom, that was the BEST party ever, it was AWESOME"

I did read that the best planned party should have more games planned than time. This way, you don't sit idle ...

I suprised many of the school kids ... I dressed up myself ... One comment was "you are a little corny" I said, well, you live in a house full of boys and you'd be the same way ....



Katie, posted that just for you ....