Lost

I graduated high school in 1987. At the time I was dating Bob. When I got out of school, I immediately moved in with a friend of mine, Angie, lived with her till about August 1988. I got a job at the same factory that Bob was working at in April 1988. It was quite an experience working in the factory and met all sorts of people. Some really nice and others pretty scarey. Bob and I moved in together and lasted all of about a year of living together. We worked second shift together which we didn't get off of work until 2AM. We worked 4 days a week/10 hour shifts. It was nice, except on the weekends, Bob would go out and would never allow me to go along. I had to stay home. I would ask him where he was or who he was with and always got the same answer "friends" He ended up getting mad at me because HE stayed out all night and I was worried ... and he told me to "go home to mommy." I was 19 then and anyone that knows me knows that I'm VERY STUBBORN and headstrong. I found out that he had been sleeping with a friend of ours girlfriend. Her parents wouldn't let her date Brian, so to get around that, Bob would pick her upu and take her home for Brian. They got closer than that. I moved out, stayed a few nights with my friend Angie and found my own apartment within a week.

I met Dennis at work, we carpooled together and in July of 1989 we started seeing each other. He wasn't married at the time, but was seeing someone else also. Dennis and I started out just hanging out after work and on our days off. In Feburary of 1990, he told me that he was getting married in June. I thought my life had ended. How could I move forward? He told me not to worry about it we'd be fine, afterall, the only reason he was doing it, the only reason he was going thru with the marriage was because his sisters had already spent the money on their dresses. He assured me that everything would be alright with us. At that point, I should have turned and walked away, at that point I should have run. I was 20/21 years old and totally head over heals in love with this man. I believed every word he said. I stuck around. You have NO idea how much I idolized this man.... he's like a drug that I just can't get off of ... He went thru with the marriage, I was invited... I went... yes, looking back, I can't believe I went, but I did. I got drunk off my ass at the reception. I danced far more slow dances with him than his new wife did, but he was getting me to dance, I was quite content at my table with my wine coolers. He was on vacation/honeymoon for a week. Long about Friday, I come home from work and there is an emerald and diamond ring sitting on the couch for me from him, with a nice little letter saying how much he loved me.

In September of 1991, his wife gave birth to a baby boy. After Aaron was born, I told Dennis that there was no way he'd leave there and that we should end our relationship. And what does he do, moves in with me ... lives with me for all of 2 weeks the first time and 6 weeks the second time. Yes, I enjoyed him being there, he enjoyed being there, we had the best sex .... OMG all of the time ... He left and went back, he said that the baby really missed him. In 1994 I got pregnant with Austin. Dennis was so excited ... but only when he talked to me and my friends. Austin was born in October, thank goodness I had him before Turkey season or Dennis wouldnt' have seen the baby until after I got home from the hospital. I had Austin the FRIDAY before Turkey season opened .... go figure ... After Austin was born, his wife didn't see Austin till Thanksgiving, then occasionally off and on after that. One day when they came over to get Austin, she asked him in front of me to tell me who it was that he wanted to be with. While winking at me, he said that he wanted to be with her. WTH was I thinking in not just walking away completely then?

Don't get me wrong ... Dennis and I were on again off again during this whole time, everytime I'd try to move forward without him, something else happened and drug me right back into it.

Dennis is a good Dad and a good friend. I've also since become friends with his wife ... well, you can say friends ... we get along for the kids ... I know she knows that Dennis and I still care for each other. I know deep in my heart that Dennis and I will never be together as a couple. Even though he still tells me that he loves me.

How do you get past that ... 16 years of "I love you, but I can't be with you" How do you follow your heart when your heart lead you in the wrong direction before? How?

This took all I had to write ... put our history into words ... and read what an Idiot I can be.

All I want out of life now is to find someone willing to share it with me. Someone that says, "hey, thats my girl" and mean it. Someone I can say the same about. (not the hey thats my girl, but "hey thats my guy") and not have to hide behind anything. Someone who has similar likes and dislikes ... similar, not exact ... someone willing to spend time with ME ... someone who would want to put me first in their life ... OMG ... I'm so flippin stupid ... and I live in a dream world... None of this really exists, not in real life anyway.

Ok ... there you have it ... my history put into words ...