My "Real" Dad .....

My "Real" Dad and my Mom got divorced when I started Kindergarten. I am the oldest of his children (he has a total of 3 girls and 2 stepsons). I was born in May of 1969, just 10 months or so after he and my mom got married. From what I can remember he wasn't much of a Dad ... he yelled a lot and hit a lot and was just generally mean. I remember how I loved to have his attention, but ended up crying in the long run. When he yelled, I ALWAYS pee'd my pants. I remember him hitting my dog Brandy (St. Benard pup) with a 2x4 ... I remember going swimming with him and him dunking me under the water every chance he got (thus my fear of water now). I remember the day that he and Mom decided to part ways ... I was 5 and my sister was 3. My Dad got into his truck with his stuff all loaded, we were standing outside by his truck with my Mom. I wanted to give my Dad a hug and kiss, he told me "Hug your mother" so I did, and I'd try again to give him a hug and again I got "Hug your mother" He pulled out of the driveway and hadn't said goodbye or given me a hug. Now, My sister, she didn't care ... she was little, but that was MY DADDY ... he left and all he would say to me was "Hug your mother"

My Dad moved in with a lady who had 2 boys and they later got married and they had a little girl, Shelley. We saw my dad regularly the at first, every other weekend, which turned into once a month, then once every other month then not again until I was 19 years old.

My Mom remarried when I was in third grade. When I was in sixth grade, my step-dad adopted me and my sister. (he had a daughter from a previous marriage). The day of the adoption should have been the happiest day ever .... however ... when Mom and my Step-Dad went in to talk to the Judge, they left my sister and I sit in the hall, no biggie ... we were old enough to sit still. The Bailiff (officer in the court) came out and started saying my "real" dad's name and looking for him in the bathroom and all around. See, he was given the opportunity to come to court and say that he didn't want his children to be adopted and raised by someone else. I'm not much for speaking up, even to this day, so I told my sister to tell the man that he was looking for our dad. Of course, she didn't and wouldn't. We just sat there quietly looking around for our Dad. We left the court house and went out to lunch as a family cause, we now all had the same last name and it was a great day .... I secretly kept looking over my shoulder to see if I could find my Dad. It really hurt that he didn't show up.

Thru the years, I'd check the phone book for his name, just to see if he was still in the area and even consider calling or writing to him. He was afterall, My Dad ... I could never bring myself to do it. One day, My sister made the call and she talked to him for hours. He called me and I met him the following week and we rode together out to see my grandparents. He and I talked for a long time, he told me many things that contradicted things that my mom had told me all of my life ... things like, it was her who made the decision that he not see us any longer and that she didn't allow us to call him etc etc .... he also told me that he didn't want it to be another 12 years before he saw us again and that he wanted to have a relationship with us. He told me that he WAS in town the day of the adoption and that he almost came into court and objected to the adoption. But, what he wanted most was for us kids to be happy.

I told him that when I was 16, we had gone to Florida on vacation .... I told him that I could have swore that I saw him driving a truck (he was a truck driver and I believe still is). He said that it was him and that he did see my Mom in the passenger seat of the car and us kids in the back seat .... Guess I didn't forget what he looked like afterall ...

I spent a lot of time with my Dad and my Half Sister Shelley ... Shelley would spend weekends with me and we'd do a lot of stuff together and just had a great time hanging out (she was 7 years younger than me). Then one day, I took her over to my Mom's house, which I didn't think was any big deal .... Shelley didn't either ... but her Mom did. That night, I took Shelley home and she told Dad and Nancy that I took her to my mom's house and that my mom was nice, that was the last time I talked to any of them. My Dad quit calling, Shelley quit calling and neither would take calls when I called there, I only got the answering machine. Apparently taking her around my mom was a very wrong thing to do.

EVERY YEAR I send my "real" dad a Christmas card and a letter. When I had Austin in 1994, I sent him a birth announcement. I stopped in there when Austin was a year old so that my Dad could see him. My Dad said hello and said he had something he had to do and left. He didn't even try to spend time with me or my son. His own blood ... yes, he still gets Christmas Cards to this date .... He got a birth announcement in 2004 when Luke was born.

My sister called him just recently to "catch up" He told her that my boys look just like me .... gosh what I'd give to hear him say that to me ... Even a card that said "Love your Dad"

I'm doing my part in keeping the lines of communication open. I give him my phone number AND address with every card and letter I send him. My mom thinks I'm wasting my time writing to him. I just tell her that this way, when he's gone from this world, NO ONE can cay that I didn't try. I love my "real" Dad ... I can't tell you why ... because I don't know why ... I just do and thats the way it is ....

I'm not the story teller that Angel is ... I can't put you in the moment, make you feel exactly how I felt, smell the smells, walk the walk .... Sorry 'bout that ....